Hey, I'm gonna go into some personal stuff here. Like the other secret About page, here I say some things I can't take back :)
When I was like 6 or something, I remember going to some slide park with school. As I tumble out of one of the concrete tubes, I see what at that time kid-me sees as a man wearing a dress and a beige woven sun hat. I ask her why she has a dress and the reply was "I feel better this way." I nod and think to myself "Yeah, that makes sense. I get it."
I never understood the 'comedy' behind 'man in a dress haha please laugh'. Ace Ventura didn't get much laughter out of me. Most sitcoms didn't either. I was often bullied for being a nerd in his own little world and I just saw it as the same malice. I never cared for out-there reinforced gender conformity. I didn't look at body builders or Stallone and go "wow, peak manliness!". I never saw woman as weaker, I did Judo as a kid with plenty of competent boys and girls, each could toss the other to the far side of the room no problem! I did a half sporty education things whatever for a bit and we had a mixed class that reached the same point no problem, too.
But, for a while, I was surrounded by macho-type idiots. I thought I could find respite in the metalhead scene, but nah, not there, not then. I was surrounded by homophobic fuckers up to my neck and it was getting hard to breathe. I was always just attracted to whatever, to me things were simple. You like me? I like you? Done. I didn't care about "how well you perform your gender" ever really, even if I couldn't find the right words.
For years I had to sort-of ride along with this macho-y shit show, I didn't have that many friends and the people who may have felt the same were the target of abuse by my ""friends"". I couldn't get closer to them in fear of having to suffer daily abuse from dumb-shit metalheads who I was sorta stuck with. I was already a target for just being slightly goofy me. I had to put up a shield and a front to protect myself. I always felt like trash back then, but this was something I only really realized later. Perhaps, this explains parts of why I was so angry and so suicidal.
Sometimes, from the girls and dates I had, I would either 'get to keep' panties or be left alone in the house for a day near the wardrobe. I sort of came in with a sexual mindset, but part of that kinda faded as I saw myself. Whatever brief feeling I may have gotten I undercut real quick by thinking to myself "I'm going to get killed for this" I lock away everything for a little bit as I consider how mainstream treats these things. just for a few years.
In my early 20's I revisit this a little. From a trashy dropshipping site I buy a wig, mini makeup set and a cute little black nightgown. I don't smile much in pictures, maybe it's the metalhead thing of having to look grim and kvlt. But in these, I do. I look like such an obvious mess, but, I feel better. I toy around here and there, but in the end I leave it rest for a long time. I still see such hate and vitriol against men thinking about things like this. But I'm also a bit stuck in imageboard culture. I see the dehumanization and the fetishizing and feel lost.
I find hope in what some might consider a trashy place, I start a Tumblr and follow some of my favorite artists. I see open discussions and think-pieces on gender representations, transwomen, transmen and it ain't overtly negative or demonizing. I see people who have had the same journey in parts up to now. As silly as it sounds, I feel a little more understood. I'm still scared to start talking. I've always been a bit devoid of self worth. I don't want to bother others with ... well, me.
I look up some things here and there about transitioning. A lot of what i find is regurgitated extremist-right talking points and South Park. Whenever I would look for support in the open web, these are my results and I stay scared. I support the people I like from the background and keep everything inside.
I retreat again, I grind my day-to-day and let the thoughts pass over and through me. Through sad times and angry ones, I keep going. I see people on my socials take their steps and I cheer them on. Only to look at myself and say "but not for me though". I deny myself joy in fear of painful retribution. Like it has always been, really.
A while ago, I bought clothes, make-up, accesories and a wig again. I sneaked in pictures of me in a tumblr blog I had but got 0-noted and felt a bit humiliated to be honest. But, it happens again, how I look in these pictures. In the last 2 decades, I have maybe 300 pictures of me 'as I am' and I barely smile in any of them. From only the past few months alone I have over 900 where I do smile, play around with outfits and put more than basic care into myself beyond basic hygiene and a pleasant enough anti-transpirant. While I look like garbage, I'm happier to see myself than I ever have in the past decades.
I tend to dress like a half emo, metalhead, scene girl. Part of me wants to pick life up anew from the moment I didn't feel for this mortal shell anymore in the way it was. Late teens. I should be out at the rock club making brand new mistakes. There's places that are inclusive here, but it's so close to the regular hangouts of a lot of people I know and I just get scared of being seen and publicly ridiculed by people I want to trust. I've listened to tons of people I know say heinous shit like it's nothing because they don't know about me and in the end I just don't feel comfortable enough with them regarding any of this.
I don't know where to go or what to do. My surroundings ain't chill and my day-to-day puts me with a lot of bigoted types. Blue collar bullshit, you know how it can be. I just want to leave and pursue myself fully. I need to change my life to change me. I fear the judgemental stabs of those around me. I've felt stuck for so long.
I think about the name Tina. Terra to friends. It's a bit of an FF6 thing.
I go by day-to-day in the same old jeans, shirts and the call-sign "hey dude". I want to ask my friends to try she/her, but ehhh. I don't think they'll give me that. I don't know.
Some of the extremist shit I've heard over my life stays with me like a curse. I'm just afraid and tired.