When I was like 6 or something, I remember going to some slide park with school. As I tumble out of one of the concrete tubes, I see what at that time kid-me sees as a man wearing a dress and a beige woven sun hat. I ask her why she has a dress and the reply was "I feel better this way." I nod and think to myself "Yeah, that makes sense. I get it."

I never understood the 'comedy' behind 'man in a dress haha please laugh'. Ace Ventura didn't get much laughter out of me. Most sitcoms didn't either. I never cared for out-there reinforced gender conformity. I didn't look at body builders or Stallone and go "wow, peak manliness!". I never saw woman as weaker, I did Judo as a kid with plenty of competent boys and girls, each could toss the other to the far side of the room no problem! I did a half sporty education thing whatever for a bit and we had a mixed class that reached the same point no problem, too.


But, for a long while, I was surrounded by macho-type idiots. I thought I could find respite in the metalhead scene, but nah, not there, not then. I was surrounded by homophobic fuckers up to my neck and it was getting hard to breathe. I was always just attracted to whatever, to me things were simple. You like me? I like you? Done. I didn't care about "how well you perform your gender" ever really, even if I couldn't find the right words.

For years I had to sort-of ride along with this macho-y shit show, I didn't have that many friends and the people who may have felt the same were the target of abuse by my ""friends"". I couldn't get closer to them in fear of having to suffer daily abuse from dumb-shit metalheads who I was sorta stuck with. I was already a target for just being slightly goofy me. I had to put up a shield and a front to protect myself. I always felt like trash back then, but this was something I only really realized later. Perhaps, this explains parts of why I was so angry and so suicidal.

I had moments where crossdressing came into play in my teens. From weird bored moments at friends houses or elsewhere, to personally going out for some clothing to try. I dropped it quick in fear of being found out and being absolutely destroyed for it. I felt something, but never went back to think about it.


In my early 20's I revisit this a little. From a trashy dropshipping site I buy a wig, mini makeup set and a cute little black nightgown. I don't smile much in pictures, maybe it's the metalhead thing of having to look grim and kvlt. But in these, I do. I look like such an obvious mess, but, I feel better. I toy around here and there, but in the end I leave it rest for a long time. I still see such hate and vitriol against men thinking about things like this. But I'm also a bit stuck in imageboard culture. I see the dehumanization and the fetishizing and feel lost.

I start a Tumblr and follow some of my favorite artists. Some of the people I follow are trans or talk about it from time to time. I see open discussions and think-pieces on gender representations, trans women, trans men and everything beyond and between being reblogged and it ain't overtly negative or demonizing. I see people who have had the same journey in parts up to now. As silly as it sounds, I feel a little more understood. I'm still scared to start talking. I've always been a bit devoid of self worth. I don't want to bother others with ... well, me.

I look up some things here and there about transitioning. A lot of what i find is regurgitated extremist-right talking points and South Park. Whenever I would look for support in the open web, these are my results and I stay scared. I support the people I like from the background and keep everything inside.


I retreat again, I grind my day-to-day and let the thoughts pass over and through me. Through sad times and angry ones, I keep going without doing anything. I think about it here and there but cut myself off. I see people on my socials take their steps and I cheer them on. Only to look at myself and say "but not for me though". I deny myself joy in fear of painful retribution. Like it has always been, really.

A while ago, I bought clothes, make-up, accessories and a wig again. I sneaked in pictures of me in a tumblr blog I had but got 0-noted and felt a bit humiliated to be honest. But, it happens again, how happy I look in these pictures. There's a picture of the first time I put on the new wig and I see a smile in that picture I haven't seen in over 20 years. In the last 2 decades, I have maybe 300 pictures of me 'as I am' and I barely smile in any of them. From only the past few months alone I have over 900 where I do smile, play around with outfits and put more than basic care into myself beyond basic hygiene and a pleasant enough anti-transpirant. While I look like garbage, I'm happier to see myself than I ever have in the past decades.


I should be out at the rock club making brand new mistakes. There's places that are inclusive here, but it's so close to the regular hangouts of a lot of people I know and I just get scared of being seen and publicly ridiculed by people I want to trust. I've listened to tons of people I know say heinous shit like it's nothing because they don't know about me and in the end I just don't feel comfortable enough with them regarding any of this.

I don't know where to go or what to do. My surroundings ain't chill and my day-to-day puts me with a lot of bigoted types. Blue collar bullshit, you know how it can be. I just want to leave and pursue myself fully. I need to change my life to change me. I fear the judgmental stabs of those around me. I've felt stuck for so long.
Some of the extremist shit I've heard over my life stays with me like a curse. I'm just afraid and tired.


I call myself Tina, Terra for friends. It's a bit of a Final Fantasy 6 thing. I've been trying out more outfits, I've been going out here and there as Terra, I've been slowly telling more people close to me and I've started to kinda connected to people like me again, a little bit online and a little bit off. The Terror and the Dread stay with me, but it's a little bit less loud now. I'm still deathly afraid of dating apps in case I get catfish and killed.

Ya know, I was a metalhead teen and I liked metalhead stuff. I always wanted to get some spike armbands, half unreadable shirts, mountain high boots and some more out there accesories, but I don't think mom & pop would have been fans of what I would want to have looked like. I don't think most of it would have landed with how I looked back then. I was like if Shaggy from Scooby-Doo loved extreme death metal but had no money for merch.


But ya know what? Now I can be the cunty princes of darkness that I was always meant to be. I've been saving up tattoo ideas for a lifetime and maybe I should celebrate myself for once.

I've just been bracing myself to start the conversation with a physician